October 13, 2024.

Creepy pasta.

We like pasta. It has carbs and is coated in good juice. But. What if a pasta was creepy? That would be bad. No one would like it. These are the conversations we must have as members of the human race, to consider these things, like what if pasta was creepy instead of normal.

What if I saw a creepy pasta? Maybe I did… it was on a plate at a restaurant. It said some really upsetting things about people with brown skin and trans people and then went on to state a bunch of statistics that are not even true, but it did it in a weird dog-whistly way that I think it thought I was supposed to find funny. The rest of the pasta at the restaurant was really normal and just tasted good, and didn’t say anything about anybody, good or bad.

I said, creepy pasta, you are wrong about all those statistics you just quoted from the weird forums you go to. None of that is even true, and it is insulting that you think I am part of the “in group” for your mean dog whistle jokes. I think trans people and brown people are good, actually. They’re just regular human beings trying to get by like anybody else.

The creepy pasta told me to get on Facebook to debate it. I did not want to and so I didn’t. It called me a racial slur and a coward and said I was just proving its point. I asked how I was proving its point, and it said, oh, so now you want to debate me, and then sent me a gore video from a Mexican cartel and called me a homophobic slur. Then when I didn’t respond it sent me another homophobic slur and then the r-word and also a photo from Google Maps of my apartment and said we know about you now. I said who knows about me now but then it just sent me the flag of the Republic of Kekistan and instructions on how to kill myself. Then later that night it sent me a flashing gif meant to give me a seizure, but I don’t have epilepsy so it didn’t work.

Anyway, I had a cacio e pepe at the restaurant, which was not creepy and tasted very good. The interaction with the creepy pasta, however, did not improve my life. It traced over a picture of my face and tried to turn me into a wojack meme but it didn’t catch on, so it put my sister’s phone number on its forum and she has had to change it twice because she kept getting death threats in the middle of the night.

I would rate the creepy pasta a solid no-way-Jose out of ten