October 21, 2024.
Notes on drowning oneself in potato-leek soup.
1. Allow to cool. Act with too much haste and you will end up scalding your nose and not much else.
2. Use a sufficiently sized bowl. Even if it may be more meaningful to use the shallow ceramic dinner bowl you first served this dish for her with, drowning can only be achieved by completely immersing ones nostrils and mouth completely, which is quite logistically difficult when you are focused on the act of drowning itself. Your nose will crush on the bottom of the bowl in a painful manner, and continued adjustments to try to immerse your mouth as well will prove very complicated. I suggest a bowl at least 3 ½ to 4 inches deep, though preferably one should use a six inch deep serving bowl.
3. Don’t be afraid to modify the recipe to be more liquid. While a traditional potato-leek soup is quite thick, this can lead to issues with intake. While your intention may to simply breathe the soup *in*, your body will attempt to expel the aspirated soup, and if it is too thick it will allow for a channel to be created from your mouth to the surface, where oxygen can be attained, as well as spattering soup all over the table in a big mess. Return to the pot, then add water to the soup at a slow simmer until the desired consistency is achieved, about the thickness of half-and-half. (Remember to allow to cool before your attempt!)
4. Expel all breath from your lungs before placing your face in the soup. Otherwise you are just blowing bubbles.
5. While your mind may be convinced that this is the only way to express the internal turmoil you are feeling, remember, your body doesn’t want to drown! It is worth practicing mindfulness exercises, and coming up with mantras to soothe your body’s rejection of the experience. Keep these short: “This is how I want to be discovered, I need this, I can’t go on like this, I need this,” is too long. Something pithy like “She will never be able to forgive herself” is more appropriate. If words are difficult to keep in your mind, try visualizations, such as her screaming face, or everyone sitting far away from her at the funeral.
6. The mind is only half the battle, and once you’ve aspirated a fair amount of soup, the body will take over. Be sure to bind your hands behind your back with zip ties from the garden shed.
7. Do not wait until the following day to continue your attempts, as the soup you have already aspirated will potentially induce pneumonia, making you very, very sick.
8. Don’t be afraid to use chemical assistance. Alcohol in excess and a handful of pills she left in the medicine cupboard will help numb the ability for your body to try to pull away from the bowl, spilling soup across the table and floor, shattering the ceramic into a huge mess you then have to spend hours cleaning up, barely able to see through tears.
9. Try more pills and more gin
10. Try more pills andn mo re gin
11.