Jon Phillips is a motion graphics artist, writer, and director.

Spooktober Stories

oooOOOooooOOoooOooo etc.

October 28, 2021.

Top review for "Halloween Haunted House Sound Effects Cassette/CD Vol. 8"
★☆☆☆☆ (1/5)

audio design ok. starts off pretty spooky, lots of screams and ghoulish sounds that effectively set the tone for a holiday party. that's the only reason this review is not ZERO out of five stars.

about 10 minutes in it gets VERY specific. i do not know who "brian jeffrey hopper at 2042 west ernest lane columbus ohio" is and i do NOT care for all the blah-blah-blah of his father begging me to contact him to help free him from where "they're" keeping him. i hoped he'd at least describe where he was, maybe give some spooky details... but instead he says they've "taken his eyes" so he can't see anything, and he just keeps pleading for us to "find brian, find brian, he can save me"!

no!

ten minutes of ok sound effects. fifty minutes of begging and crying and (admittedly gross, but not very frightening) throwing up from the pain. this is NOT what i paid for. disappointed. ruined my party. will not be buying from this company ever again.

October 25, 2021.

I have a spare hour before work so I do a fifteen minute sublet of my cerebral cortex to the cloud computing company with the nicest looking ads. I try not to do this too often; my roommate Rebecca sublet her brain for three, four hours a day for a couple weeks and ended up absolutely fucking nuking her higher brain function, her grey matter now perpetually rented out, she’s making absolute bank but she’s a baked potato. I tried to pull her back a couple times, but ultimately it’s really nice having a steady source of income in the household.

During the sublet, I dream, a little, mostly primary shapes and colors, the name INGSOLL IV, a lot of numbers, and when the lease is up I have the taste of watermelon and iron dancing around the back of my throat. I cry, because I always cry, but things are pretty good, actually, I’ll be able to afford those boots with the lights on them.

I shake myself off, put on my shoes (no lights… yet!), step around Rebecca’s body, trembling lightly on the rug, and go to work.

October 23, 2021.

a lazy short film called like 'the visitant' where it's just somebody going around their boring apartment while their phone glitches out with bad after effects plugins and the big scare at the end is somebody wearing white makeup jumps at the camera and makes a face like >8o

October 20, 2021.

Oh, so it's GHOULISH what I'm doing with the corpses, is it? Sure YOU'RE not the ghoulish one? Attacking a man for simply following his heart? Let me tell you, you need to do a lot of self reflection before you're in a place to judge anybody!

October 19, 2021.

i've become one of those guys who says 'know what i'm sayin?' at the end of every phrase. everyone says, 'yea,' or, 'i know what you're sayin ha ha!' but when i ask them about it they'll never tell me. i don't know what i'm sayin. i don't. i don't. help me i don't know what i'm sayin i don't know what i'm sayin please help me know what i'm sayin?

October 15, 2021.

The man strains against his chains, naked, his eyes bloodshot and bulging, blind with it: "...The hunger... the HUNGER... the INSATIABLE HUNGER... I mustn't, no, I, dare not indulge, for if I give in to these URGES I shall truly be LOST... forever... lost in MIND and lost in SOUL... and yet the hunger GNAWS at me... it EATS at me from the inside, a greedy demanding BEAST named HUNGER... I must FEED... I must FEED, I've never felt a HUNGER such as this... please, Father, you must KILL ME to SPARE ME from this INTENSE HUNGER... I BEG OF YOU...!"

"Haha," responds Father Whitcombe. "Me in line at the Taco Bell, lmao."

"lmao," admits the chained, naked man.

October 14, 2021.

She spends all day listening to comedy true-crime podcasts about her daughter's abduction, torture, and murder. Whenever there's a particularly witty joke she pushes another sewing needle into her stomach.

October 13, 2021.

I'm not getting anywhere with the lady on the phone and she's so fakey-fake nice that I know that they've gotten to her already and she's just stringing me along until they can trace the phone booth I'm calling from which is 14 blocks away south from my apartment and another 8 blocks east, which i chose because their product is 112 and the number 112 is important and maybe it's how far they can search but i don't know yet

so I hang up and wipe off my fingerprints and burn a match to erase my pheromonal dna signature, take the bus back to my apartment and sweep it again for bugs and then it's only noon so I take another two buses and a taxi that I can't afford so the taxi driver pulls a gun on me and I get away only just but I don't think he was going to use it, to get to the big gray stone building that I've seen in the newspaper where I know they have to be.

i touch the door four times before i go in, just to be doubly sure that i am grounded and won't be riding any telluric currents, and i walk in and i ask the front desk guy if this is where they are broadcasting the messages into my brain from

"yes," he says. "lots of them."

"oh," i respond, slightly taken aback. "uh. why?"

"oh, you know how the cabal-" he gestures upstairs, rolling his eyes; solidarity between the working class. "-can be. they think you might be the reincarnation of so-and-so the redeemer or ba-ba-ba the avenging messiah or whatever, and are beaming these messages into your skull just to mix you up a little, so you won't redeem or avenging messiah anybody."

he excuses himself to take a quick phone call, returns, smiles politely.

i say: "is there any way to make them stop? if i promise not to redeem anybody, i mean?"

"i don't think so. you could fill out a form, but i don't think it would do any good, they're rather busy with their eschatological scheming and don't really bother with much paperwork. how about i let you go up and talk to their front desk man?"

i squint, and ask, suspicious: "will they kidnap and murder me or anything?"

"probably not, they're very busy, as i said. the fellow working the cabal's front desk today is jeschia, that's j-e-s-c-h-i-a, and he likes it when you pronounce it right: je-shy-uh. he's very susceptible to flattery, so i recommend you compliment his tie before asking any big questions like 'please stop beaming messages into my brain,' ok?"

"ok," i say, nodding, trying to remember: je-shy-uh. je-shy-uh.

"elevators to your left. floor 112."

"this building isn't that tall!"

he winks. "that's what they want you to think. good luck, and if i don't see you again, have a beautiful day."

"you too," i tell him, and mean it.

October 6, 2021.

my uncle warned me about all this he said

"jon, if you're walking down the road mind your feet, even if you're real real excited to get to the convention hall where they're holding the pickle convention," he told me,

"and i know you've got your pickle juice and your hot hot pickles so hot they burn your mouth clean off and make you sick when you take a bite and that's a lot of fun, but if you don't mind your feet you're liable to step on a big fat toad just sittin there licking slime and toad snot all over itself all day," he told me,

"and then if you step on a big fat wet slimy toad you'll fall down a big old hole and drop your juice and your hot hot pickles so hot they make you puke whenever you eat them so hot they make you absolutely sick out of every hole you've got," he said,

and i nodded but i wasn't really listening because i was thinking about kicking away and walking down the road eating my hot hot pickles so hot they made me shit and puke and piss and also snot all over, like the toad that i stepped on which had snotted all over itself so snotty it made itself real wet and slimy and so i stepped on it my foot slipped right off its snot,

and now i fall down a big old dirty hole and i spilled my pickle juice and my hot hot pickles so hot they make me get really really sick and now i'm trapped at the bottom of the hole, and i'll never get to that pickle convention and i'm liable to about die down here because i've already licked up as much pickle juice as i can that spilled down the bottom of the hole but it's not very much and the sun has set and can't anybody hear me down here,

and that just about does it for me, anyway, i guess.

October 3, 2021.

SPOOKTOBER STORY #2.

'who are you?' shouts the priest, the possessed boy's body twisting terribly and impossibly against the restraints. 'who are you!'

'i am abaddon, i the lawless one, i am lucifer the fallen star, i am the devil, lord of hell, and all your souls belong to me!'

suddenly calm, the priest stands, takes off his collar, and hands the shit-and-blood covered little boy divorce papers. 'mr. the devil... you've been served.'

the boy stares at the divorce papers, then back at the process server, then back at the papers. 'sheila... wants a divorce?'

'that's between you and her. goodbye,' says the process server, shrugs at the weeping parents, hands them a crucifix. 'good luck.'

'oh my god,' whispers the little boy, 'oh my god.'

October 2, 2021.

SPOOKTOBER STORY #1.

Dinner was most satisfactory, the squab and rarebit that are a well-known specialty of our staff. The afters, however, an Eve’s pudding which proved much too sweet for our modest palates, perhaps yet another dreary experiment by Mlle. Garniere, set uneasily, and thusly we all removed to the parlor for a smoke and a digestif to settle our stomachs.

Mr. Phip was the first to speak, as we sat around puffing our smoke into the air and enjoying glasses of something exotic which Mr. Demme had returned from his travels to the Orient, and he began a story I had enjoyed before but most present had not, and I admired the adjustments and embellishments which set it apart from the previous telling. Was this to be another of our much-discussed nights of taleweaving? I certainly hoped so, as the esteemed Mrs. Hopperly was in attendance, and her prowess at the form was second-to-none in the social circles in which we revolved, though I had yet to hear one.

Mr. Phip’s story ended with an exuberant crash of terror which startled all in attendance, and set the tone for the evening. This was to be a night of ghost stories!

As the host, I took the next spot, and told (with an expert wickedness, in my esteem) the tale of a blind old woman I had happened across during my service. I elaborated with some great pleasure on the actual event, which had began and ended practically within the same quarter-hour, and turned it instead into a month of creeping evil against my person, from which I barely made it away with my life and sanity intact.

When I finished, a climax of terror and blood that I spun from wholecloth, there were several ejaculations of fright from the ladies in attendance, and swallowed harrumphs from the men, who stared into their glasses with feigned bravery. However, Mrs. Hopperly, her hands folded, remained unmoved. I turned to her.

“Perhaps Mrs. Hopperly would be so kind as to tell the next story,” I said, slightly wounded, “As she appears unaffected by the ghastly tales put forth by Mr. Phip and myself.”

She steadied herself, gazing upon me thoughtfully, appraising my person in a way I had not felt since I was a boy in shortpants, caught red-handed with a purloined biscuit. “Misters Phip and Epherton will excuse me. It is not that I do not appreciate the expertness with which their tales are told, nor the theatrical flourish of their telling. However, once one has been face to face with real, true, unfathomable horror, the parlor games of fictional ghost stories hold less sway than they once did.”

“Tell us,” begged Mrs. Demme, who was caught up in the fever of the taleweaving, a flush still on her cheeks from the fright the previous two stories had brought her. “A true tale of horror? We must hear it!”

There were nods all around the parlor. I, too, wanted to hear this story, if only so that I could publically scrutinize it afterwards; at the time, I found the thought that she would build legitimacy for her own story by tearing down the previous two quite unsportsmanlike. “Yes, yes,” I told her, a sourness in my tone. “Tell us this very true tale of oogy-boogys.”

She looked up at us, through half-closed lids, the glint of the fire against her spectacles obscuring her eyes.

“Very well,” she intoned. “However, I must warn you. Once I begin, I will permit no interruptions. It is not a brief tale, nor one that allows for questions; it must be told as it is told, and when it is finished, it is done.”

“Fine, fine,” I growled. “Get on with it, at your leisure, for we are only young but once.”

Her voice had lowered its timbre, as she seemed to disappear within herself, returning to it.

She began: “It was the second day in the month of October, and I was taking the first of my twice-daily constitutionals through the garden, where the delphiniums had begun to bloom. It was as I was admiring these that I saw a strange scrap of paper, which seemed cut from an old manuscript, yellowed, cracked at the edges. It was wedged between two stones which made up a wall.

I turned from the delphiniums and approached it. The wind caused it to wave, slightly, as if it were inviting me to pull it out, but the thought caused me a great chill, which penetrated through my body and caused me to nearly cry out.

However, I was alone, and so I dismissed the feeling as a result of the autumn breeze. I reached out, took hold of one corner of the scrap, and pulled. It came loose in my hand. I turned it about, and saw some faint words, only visible in shadow, as the sunlight washed them to invisibility against the page. I covered it from the sun with my other hand, used the cap of my bonnet as well, and with some great effort was able to make out the words.”

“What were they!” begged Mrs. Demme, enraptured.

Mrs. Hopperly glanced up at her, shaken from her reverie, the fire reflected in her spectacles mirroring the anger in her eyes. “I said I would permit no questions, and I kindly ask you to be silent as I tell my tale. However, since I was about to tell you regardless, I will answer this one, final, question.

The scrap said…

WELCOME TO SPOOKTOBER STORIES, YEAR SEVEN.”

September 22, 2021.

always keep one pocket full of garlic powder in case i ever need to blow it in a vampire's face. makes doin laundry harder but i blew it on one once and he sneezed so hard he turned inside out. all his bones fell in the dirt and he couldn't put them back in right so now when he moves he sounds like a bowling alley